I Wanted to Grow Old With You
By Katherine Billings Palmer
Ten months after being diagnosed with small cell lung cancer, and four months after being pronounced in remission, Rick Palmer died unexpectedly as the result of a freak accident. His wife, Katherine, turned to writing to cope with her grief. “I Wanted to Grow Old With You” is a collection of poems from her first year of mourning. From the initial prose stream-of-consciousness musings to the transition to conventional poetry, each poem conveys the poignancy and pain resulting from the loss of the man she loved.
Losing a spouse is a unique circumstance that affects one’s entire being, including disruption of daily habits and routines; loss of one’s confidant, best friend, and sexual partner; coping with the pain of separation, and even the destruction of future plans, hopes, and dreams. These poems touch on many of these aspects of grieving, as well as grief triggers, and the different stages of grief. Each poem is evidence of the trials of becoming a widow or widower.
Anyone who has lost a loved one will find themselves in this collection. The author explains the inspiration for many of the poems in an introduction to the works, from the first crude expressions of grief to the later metered verse. “I Wanted to Grow Old With You” is a book for anyone, young or old, who has felt the pain of grief and separation following a loved one’s death, and especially for the widow.
I WANTED TO GROW OLD WITH YOU
I wanted to grow old with you, but fate had other plans.
I vowed to love you until death as we stood holding hands.
We pledged to be together until our lives were through.
I thought we’d spend the golden years ahead, just me and you.
I know you’d be here if you could, you tried so hard to live.
You struggled to rise every day, gave all you had to give.
If love alone could save you, you’d still be here with me.
If love alone could bring you back, how lovely life would be.
But no one lives forever, so I go on alone.
I’m finding my “new normal,” attempting to move on.
The silence now is deafening, the empty bed brings tears
I dream of you most every night; I hope I will for years.
I look for signs that you’re around, perhaps I’ve gone insane
But I miss you so desperately, I’ll grasp at anything.
Our memories are all I have; I guess they’ll have to do.
I’m thankful for the years we had; so grateful I found you.
I know that I am fortunate, that some will never know
A love like ours, the joy we shared, before you had to go.
I miss your touch, your gentleness, your laughter, and your care
And now the pain at what I’ve lost is more than I can bear.
Our vows still echo in my head from on our special day
Our wedding song exactly voiced the words we longed to say…
You sang, “Grow old along with me,”
You said the best was yet to be.
We vowed til death that we’d be true
I wanted to grow old with you.
Other Books About Grief
About the Author
KATHERINE BILLINGS PALMER is an author, poet, essayist, and retired technical writer from Garden City, Michigan. When she’s not composing poetry or essays, she attends writing courses, pursues genealogical research, works on her web design business, competes in trivia events, and spends as much time as possible on the beach of Lake Huron.
Books by Katherine include My Story: A Memoir in Poetry and Prose; A Widow’s Words, The First Year: Grief, Reflection, Poetry, and Prose; and A Widow’s Words, Year Two. Her poems, “Friday Nights” and “Lost in Translation” were published in Westland Writes. Her essay, “Garbage Day” was published in the Bear River Review. She’s a guest blogger for the Hope for Widows Foundation and writes about her grief journey at her website: TheWritingWidow.com. She may be reached at TheWritingWoman.com or on TikTok and Instagram @thewritingwoman.